I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
