She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
