I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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