So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
