I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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