hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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