I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize