the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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