Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
