I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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