he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Shame is for Republicans.
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