i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
