If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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