if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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