I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize