ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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