i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize