it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
