I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
NoShamevember. You game?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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