How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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