...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
