I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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