Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
