I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
