I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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