it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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