Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
