i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
