I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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