you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
