I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
