he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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