Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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