She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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