I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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