My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
