I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
