my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
