I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
