you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
