the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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