There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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