my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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