In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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