I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
bring money and cleavage
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
