I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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