When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
