Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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