She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize