Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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