One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
