How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Vodka?
Forever.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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