Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
