tonight lets celebrate not being married
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
