You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
