Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
