you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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