Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
