Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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